SHOULD I GO, OR SHOULD I STAY ??? (part two)

I did travel home on furlough the next day with a very heavy heart … six sermons as requested … my Bible … a copy of Warren Wiersbey’s book ‘On being a servant of God’ and Henri Nouwen’s book ‘Life of the Beloved’. I spent hours in the privacy of my bedroom, crying, praying, reading and almost begging God to speak into my situation to me. To show me very clearly and plainly what He wanted of me and to strengthen, equip and enable me for whatever was ahead.

I remember it being a very painful week and by the end of it I returned to my appointment in fear and trepidation. But with a very real sense of God saying to me, ‘Do nothing … stay with what you have got and I will be your God with you.’ Returning, as you no doubt sense, was the last thing on earth I wanted to do. Everything within me just wanted to hibernate … run away and be protected from all the pain. That wasn’t the way it was meant to be though … somehow or other I knew I had to carry on … and I know now, it was only in God’s strength and grace that I was able to do that.

I dreaded facing “my” people and one particular local officer. As I had read and re-read my sermons the more strongly I felt that I had said nothing wrong, and personally, in retrosight, would have changed nothing. I plucked up the courage to speak with the other two local officers who had found themselves involved in the situation and asked them to express their opinion. They affirmed and assured me I had no reason to change. I also arranged to meet with ‘the’ local officer, briefly before the band practice and told him the outcome of my contemplations. In my mind I was at least showing him I had taken his comments seriously. He was less than gracious and told me he was considering leaving the Army as he didn’t want to have to sit and listen to what I had to say.

It was the end of November when I returned and our caroling programme began the following Saturday. I recall standing in the shopping precinct feeling as if my heart was breaking. Wishing people a ‘Happy Christmas’ was something I just could not do, thinking at the time I had no idea what they were facing and maybe for them too it was not going to be a ‘Happy Christmas’ and so, less painfully I responded simply with: ‘God bless you’.

Life continued … I existed and that is all it seemed I was doing. Somehow or other God gave me the strength to carry on even if at that time it still was on automatic progress. I did the best I could to ‘carry on’ and I don’t think for one moment I did it successfully but I did what I could and gave all I could at the time. Although I was not alone, I felt very, very alone and it was as if no-one could console me no matter how supportive or caring they were.

January eventually arrived and one day out of the blue I answered the phone and it was the Divisional Commander. He said he wanted to see me in his office as soon as possible. My immediate question was: ‘Are we moving?’ He wouldn’t answer and simply said: ‘Please just come to DHQ immediately’. An hour later I was sitting in his office and listening to him inform me the Army had decided to move me and had got an appointment to move to at the change. He was so very sorry about this as he knew things were going so well in the present appointment and he knew the Corps would be disappointed. I almost balked in disbelief. He had no idea of some of the issues. How could he? I had not told him! As I drove away from DHQ it was as if an enormous burden was being lifted from my shoulders. God had told me to do nothing … trust Him and see He was in control. This helped me see again, He was!

February brought the beginning of Lent. Ash Wednesday was a beautiful, bright, bitterly cold day. I decided I needed to take some time out and go away for a few hours. I was still hurting, grieving and feeling dead inside. I went to one of the local beauty spots. As the day was sooo cold there was no-one around. Walking around the village I saw something I hadn’t seen for years; a coalman delivering coal. The sight made me smile, something that didn’t usually come naturally at that time. I could smell coal burning in people’s homes … the smell was comforting.
I walked a little further, into the village church, it was empty and I prayed for a while. As I walked out of the church I was looking at the ground, as was not unusual at that time … as I did, I saw one solitary snowdrop pushing its way through the solid ground. God said to me in that moment: ‘I will bring you through the hardness too’. I continued to walk along the side of the lake, I put my hand in and felt the ice cold of the water. Soon after I heard children laughing as they were returning home from school. On walking back through the village I decided to call into the coffee shop. I ordered a hot chocolate, it tasted wonderful. Still quiet and deep in thought I sensed God awakening my senses, almost as if He was bringing me back to life after a very long, hard, dark winter.

There was no flashing lights … no brass band … no huge demonstrative expressions … but the still small voice of calm. God’s voice … God’s presence and the realization He had been with me all the way through. This was just a beginning, the beginning of what was still a long journey … but a beginning and I felt I was coming back to life. The months that followed were still not easy … I still hurt … but I knew I had begun to turn a corner and was now moving in the right direction. I acknowledge my story ends differently to many of yours but I decided to write in response to what I read from a recent introduction to a promised article. I suppose what I want to say to the hurting writer is: ‘Hang on in there’ I don’t believe for one second any of you have resigned easily and I have read how a number of you have talked of regret and how now it is too late to reverse your decision. Someone wrote: ‘Don’t get out of the train while you are still in the tunnel’ maybe it is something we were taught as Cadets. I’m glad I stayed on the train when I could have so easily got off.

Hindsight tells me. Stay with God. Allow yourself to be vulnerable to others and let them minister to you whether friends, family, corps folk or whoever, some people are longing to reach out to you in love. Let them do so. Don’t cut yourself off. And whatever the outcome of your decision remember ‘God loves you … intimately … personally … irrevocably’ You are His child and you are honoured and precious in His sight. To anonymous who wrote considering resignation to all former officers the message is the same. May God bless you and may you experience His love holding you in the palm of His hand.

Oh, and by the way … would you believe on my farewell Sunday that certain local officer apologized and thanked me for my sincere platform ministry.