Who will sing my song...

Subsequent to reading a book about The Salvation Army, years ago, I began attending Sunday Meetings at a local corps. However, the book’s inspiration was more than one of simply moving me to attend services, it spoke deeply to my heart and “called” me to become an officer even before knowing much about the army.

I wrote to IHQ, seeking information about becoming an officer and was answered by the PR Officer, who later was to be my Training Principal. As suggested by him, I spoke to the CO of the corps I was visiting regularly and began attending the recruit classes and subsequently became a Soldier. My “calling” became ever stronger and it was unique in that I sensed God leading me to the mission field; Russia to be specific. God’s call and claim on my life came to me from reading Russian and SA history. My interest was also piqued by reading about persecuted Christians in Russia and other communist countries. In preparation to follow His lead I began studying the Russian language. It’s noteworthy that The SA work had yet to be reestablished in Russia. Nonetheless, I was certain that I was called to serve there as a SA officer.

My husband and I met as Candidates bound for Denmark Hill. He shared early in our courtship, and often, that his calling was to social services, an area where he had already worked. Throughout our “training” days my call to Russia remained vibrant, however, any desire or willingness to follow God’s leading to serve in Russia was out of the question in the late 70’s; it would be another 15 years before the army’s return there. I not only put that notion out of my head, but also convinced myself that God had “told” me that we were meant to go into Training as “marrieds”, and that my calling to Field and mission work should give way to my husband’s for other areas of work. It seemed so right at the time, but only later have I come to realise that we each had our own individual callings, and we should have remained loyal to them; perhaps sought a possible solution through channels.

We served side by side for many years and left the work mainly because of health reasons; my husband’s health was the over-riding one. We worked in various “helping” jobs after leaving residential work until 1987, but still moved a few times! Subsequently, he became disabled.

I’d always felt that I wasn’t true to my calling and when the work recommenced in Russia in 1991 I understood the call to mission fully. I followed the re-opening of the army’s work in Russia keenly; it was “my” mission field, the place where God had wanted me to go. As I read about those SA pioneers working in Russia I envied them. For a while I felt that God was getting his own back, and I had to remind myself that God’s not like that. I now realise that the way my life unfolded is the consequence of my own decisions, and I can’t blame anyone but myself. When we hear from Session mates, even those having difficult times and/or from those working in third world countries, I know full well who are happier and fulfilled… those who remained true to their call.

So I still have my calling, but can no longer fulfill it. The moral is obviously that, by doing the right thing in a wrong way, I didn’t do the right thing at all,. And by deciding for myself what God wanted, instead of having faith to wait for Him to facilitate the outworking of the calling He gave me, I didn’t do His will. Having said that, I could live with it more easily if we were still Officers, given that as above, I know He called me to the Army to be an Officer, but it can’t be, even in these days of Single spouse Officership; I’m not in a position to go back. We certainly aren’t able to as a couple.

Following our resignation we visited other churches but couldn’t settle anywhere so we remained loyal as soldiers and faithfully serve in a UK corps.

In closing I wonder if other former officers can relate… Often as songs are sung in our corps’ Meetings I come across a line in the verse or chorus and I don't feel I can sing them, those that speak about always doing whatever God asks me to do; making certain promises, etc., as it's those things I didn't/can't/won't be able to do - I'm sure you all know the ones I mean. They are the words in the songs that bring remorse and cause us to reflect anew on a “calling” we left, and through stifled tears our voices go silent… . Quite awkward when someone asks, “why I wasn't singing” - sometimes I have to mime, but I can't sing what's not true as I think it's dishonouring to God; to He who called me to serve…

God bless.

Former Officer
UK