Belshat the Fig Picker, one of Gideon’s 300

Play: Belshat the Fig Picker, one of Gideon’s 300

By Lloyd Carpenter © Thadeus Productions 1999

Scene: TV reporter with microphone, interviewing Belshat about his history.

Can be sitting down as in studio model. Belshat is a bit of a moronic coward.

TV reporter is ‘over-the-top’ with false TV host-style enthusiasm.

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L: So, Mr Belshat, you were there!

B: Yup.

L: Um, could you elaborate for our viewers?

B: Yup, I was there alright.

L: Ah yeah. You were… one of Gideon’s 300 men

B: When we sorted out the Midianites. Yup.

L: Right! So you stayed when Gideon offered the scared and the

knee-knockers the chance to go home.

B: I was actually running to the front of the army to head home,

when my sandal broke. By the time I could walk again, the

chance had passed…

L: And then you survived the selection procedure at the river!

Tell me how that worked.

B: If I tell you the truth, will you edit it out before you put it on TV?

L: Sure! Trust me. (false smile)

B: I was so scared, I had both severe indigestion - I ate some

dodgy takeaways the night before - and I had the hiccups.

I was scared I might…

L: (interrupts quickly) Yeah, yeah I get the picture.

B: Yeah, well I didn’t dare bend over to lick the water. So by

using my hand to try and get some water to stop the hiccups….

L: You got selected.

B: Ah, yeah. So we went to fight ten billion million thousand Midianites

with (getting more and more frenzied) armour, swords, fighting camels,

bad breath and a negative attitude toward fig pickers!

L: Yes, yes. OK

B: And what does Gideon give us? A trumpet, a pottery jar, and a torch. No

hand grenades, bazookas or even a big club with a spike in it!

L: You were brave!

B: I had no choice! Gideon reckoned it was all God’s plan. He even

did some tests with a fleece to confirm it! Who am I to doubt

almighty God?

L: Who indeed?

B: Plus there was the fact that if I didn’t go, I’d be the only one left

in a camp in the middle of Midianite territory helped me make

up my mind!

L: So you attacked the Midianites at night?

B: Me? Na. Well, yes, I suppose we did. It was all God’s work actually.

We surrounded the Midianite camp, then at the signal, blew our

trumpets, threw down the jars, waved our torches and yelled “A sword

for the Lord and for Gideon!”

L: Wow!

B: I actually was asking for a sword at the time, but it still had the

desired effect.

L: Now what’s this I hear about the Midianites killing each other?

B: Well, for a start, I did some strategic cowering behind a gorse

bush, so I could… ah… you know… ah… write a book about

what I saw later. Yeah, that’s it! As an observer.

L: So what did you see?

B: Well, from my skilfully chosen vantage point, first I saw the camels

got a heck of a fright. They broke loose and began to charge through

the camp, knocking men over, and making a lot of noise.

L: So when did the fighting start?

B: For me? Oh, I see what you mean. Well, the Midianites came out of

their tents and thought they were under attack by war camels, so they

started fighting them. And then the owners of those camels thought

that their neighbours, who were killing their camels, were the enemy,

and they started fighting.

L: And that’s how the battle was won?

B: No, ah… we ah, we did a lot of fighting too. Yeah.

L: You fought?

B: It was hard work too! Some of those Midianites were faster than

Usain Bolt. They were running away so fast, we had to really chase

to catch them.

L: And?

B: And ah, get their money off them.

L: Money?

B: Oh, sure, we made boodles. They offered us money not to kill them.

I didn’t tell them all I had was a trumpet and a torch, so I couldn’t

kill them!

L: You took the money.

B: Sure, what should I do? I don’t want to be Belshat the fig picker all

my life! I want to be famous, you know, play the banjo or something.

Funny thing though…

L: What?

B: After that, and in all the time in the future, Gideon stopped telling us

what God wanted, and only told us what he wanted. You know he

even made us cough up some of our gold, then he made a ephod out of it.

L: And what did he do with the ephod?

B: I’d rather not say. But let’s just say I don’t expect to see Gideon’s

name in lights as a great follower of the one true God. Na, it’s the

safe life for me now. I’ll just learn the banjo, or something equally

prudent. But I won’t stop following God. That’s a mistake I won’t make.

(looks furtively around) Not like our esteemed hero Gideon, anyway.

L: Well, there you have it folks. A hero of the Midianite Campaign.

One of Gideon’s 300 brave… ah, men. Thank you!

Both sit down again

Lloyd Carpenter, New Zealand

© Thadeus Productions 1999

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