Sunday, February 3, 2013

That is the next part
 of the relationship. GLBT Series 2013

I am a SWF (for those not in the know - Single White Female).

I am a Christian.

I have always gone to church.

I was a SA officer (Pastor).
I have held positions of leadership.
I am straight.
I have never married.
I do not intend to marry.
I am 62.

I am not a virgin.
I have had sex with boyfriends.
I am not a whore.
I do not 'fit' in the mold of the SWF, Christian, celibate.
I know many other single women, who are Christians.
Some were 
Some are officers, who are not virgins.
Who have boyfriends.
Who have sex. Yes, even while going to church.
While being officers.
While trying to live up to the set standard.
Well, honestly, maybe not 
Because it doesn't make sense.
We are women who are sexual
 beings like everyone else.
In relationships with gents who are sexual
 beings like everyone else.
Because at some point that is the next part
 of the relationship. These are people for whom we care deeply.
And who 
care deeply for us.
But we choose not to marry.
Often not even live with.
Are you shocked? Do not be.
Or maybe you should be. There is much more
(living) going on than you see.
Or choose to see.

I can only tell you this because I am a member of the club.
Perhaps it is time to open your
 eyes about the reality of sex and the single populace - gay, straight,
 or other.
You may now label me 'sinner'.
I do not consider myself so.

I believe none of my gay friends or the gay members of our fellowship 
consider themselves sinners either.
They are merely in love with whom they are in love.
And please know, this does not apply to all 
unmarried Christians. But it does apply to more than you will know.

Because I know.

Former Officer
USA South

(Name on file)


Steven L. Simmons said...

What did the Apostle Paul mean, when he wrote: "better to marry than to burn?" Could be relevant to this discussion (1 Corinthians 7:9). No doubt controlling our sexual urges is one of the tougher desires "that war against the soul," but it can be done through keeping ourselves accountable and fleeing from those situations of temptation. If we are saying that we cannot have victory, then the battle is already lost.

Anonymous said...

At last! someone actually telling the truth that those who are active pastorally have known for years. There is the standard everyone says you should keep, and the one that most people actually live by. Marrying doesn't always happen, for lots of reasons. And this is not new. Let's deal with the reality of people. 's lives, in all their glorious messiness

Anonymous said...

Annonomous: I must agree with your statement regarding single people of all ages, some christian, some not. However, there is a large group of single gay christians who are living in committed, monogomous relationships with a partner they both know they will spend the rest of their lives together. These gay christians pary for the day when they can marry and covenant legally before God and friends. For them there is not an option to marry in many states and countries. In the belief of them and many in the Christian church, they are not living in sin because the prohibition of marriage is forced on them some who disagree and feel it is somehow justified to deny this group of christians a basic right before God and the legal system.

Anonymous said...

Oh Lordie, tell me it isn't true! Whatever happened to the sweet, adorable images of Sgt. Sarah Brown, Major Barbara Undershaft and poor little Jenny Hill?!!!!

Daryl Lach
USA Central

Anonymous said...

This testimony by a SWF makes a clear case that much teaching by evangelicals concerning sexuality is out of touch with reality.

How many of us can remember being taught that masturbation was a sin, and that anyone who practiced it would end up becoming blind at worst, or growing warts on their hands, or having dark circles under their eyes at least. The biblical evidence for this was supposed to be found in Genesis chapter 38 and verse 9, an obvious case of coitus interruptus.

What long way we have come in one generation. Birth control devices no longer have to be stored under the pharmacist's counter; Sexuality is no longer just for procreation, but also for pleasure; an increasing number of young people , even Christians, are having sex without the benefit of marriage; abortion is accepted under certain circumstances; pedophilia is no longer identified with homosexuality; people confused about their gender are becoming vocal about sex change; monogamous marriages for gays and lesbians are becoming law; children are being conceived by artificial insemination; families can mean two people of the same sex raising children; and to top it off the divorce rate among born again Christians is just as high as that of the general public.

And what do we have to say about it. Either we remain silent or repeat the same shibboleths that our Victorian parents repeated to us.

Sister Margaret A. Farley, a Catholic sister, wrote a book in 2006 entitled Just Love: a Framework for Christian Sexual Ethics that discusses these issues. In 2012 she was severely reprimanded by the Vatican for not upholding the official position.

If people are interested in reading a highly rational approach to the subject I suggest that they read it, to broaden one's thinking and to recognize that people like SWF and others giving their testimony on this Forum, are sitting in the pews in front of us every Sunday morning. Some may even be sitting in the choir behind us, at the organ bench, in the band and songsters or even standing in the pulpit, but who may never have the courage to speak for fear of being banned from the Christian community.

Canada and Bermuda

Anonymous said...

We are also your daughters, sisters, aunts, cousins, and friends.

Anonymous said...

And this highlights the injustice that gay christians have spoken about for years. We are assumed to be sexually active even if we aren't when we know that the heterosexual members of our churches are asssumed to be chaste, even if they aren't.

Anonymous said...

Some consider celibacy a "Gift of the Spirit". (matt. 19:10-12 and I Cor.:7-8).
But the bible makes it clear that with this as with other gifts we do not all have everyone, nor can we choose which gift to have - so if ours is not celibacy, we can not have that victory - that is not to say we should sin, but we may need to get married. However that is also something we can not commend or choose at will, so I guess we just have to try our hardest, help each other and not be quick to condemn just because others are not as good as us!
(Oh by the way did you notice the clearest biblical teaching on this not all having the gift of celibacy from these two references is Jesus'!)

[Married heterosexual former UK officer, still active soldier]

Anonymous said...

Dear Former C&B,

Thanks for the leg up on the book by Sister Margaret Farley. I'm definitely going to look into it.

However, unless you're all that much older than I am (and since I'm 62 I doubt that you could be and still be typing away) I don't really remember masturbation being all that much of a "protestant" sin in the first place. Granted it was certainly taboo to talk about and especially in certain circles and company but rarely did anyone ever try to pass on guilt trips over it. That was largely the domain of catholic religious instructors.

However, it is true that a few fundamentalist types would from time to time attempt to break through the more enlightened protestant view of it as a natural bodily function and try to make everyone feel guilty over it too---as if dancing, card playing and wantonly wearing lipstick and rouge etc. weren't sufficient enough activities to produce the correct desired amount of guilt that such people felt was needed to always keep everyone in a perpetual state of repentence.

You did mention your father once in one posting as a Hell, Fire and Brimstone officer so perhaps he did try to pass on the idea of masturbation being a sin to you and everyone else he had influence over, but I can assure that it wasn't the norm for most protestants.

I remember as late as the 1970s though, in chapel at the Xian college I attended (that today has academic links to TSA) when one day the guest speakers were a physician and his wife. They weren't very old, maybe in their early 30s and were giving a chapel seminar on what they believed were the straight Xian goods on the subject of sex.

One of their conclusions was that masturbation was always a sin for women and usually for men but with the exception of men who were engaged to be married and who couldn't resist going all the way otherwise. (a bit patriarchal eh? almost as if the woman was an object of desire with no say in the matter??!!)

Where fundamentalist people (and even apparently educated ones!) get such goofy ideas is anyone's guess. But then again I've always found that when it comes to religious people there really doesn't have to be any rhyme or reason to their logic when they're dealing with sex anyway.

All that's required is that whatever deep seated anxiety (neurosis) they have that was passed on to them by some screwball "authority" figure in their earlier life gets relieved.

Of course everyone was cordial to the couple in chapel but from most of the comments I heard in my dormitory that afternoon, it appears that the doctor and his wife were neither able to change anyone's thinking or produce any of the desired guilt, and were quite frankly regarded by most of my peers as a couple of off the wall nut cases. I dunno, maybe if it were a catholic institution the response would've been different?

Daryl Lach
USA Central

"You Must Go Home By the Way of the Cross, To Stand with Jesus In the Morning"

Anonymous said...


I will soon be twenty years older than your good self. Add to that my father was well into his forties when I was born, born before the turn of the twentieth century, so I have been influenced my a number of generations, including those of my children, who are a number of years apart.

Do you remember when the US during the Clinton Administration, when the Surgeon General recommended masturbation, and had to resign? That wasn't that long ago was it?

Just so you know, I was in the Training College when you were born! So I'm sure that I'm even older than the Old Horn blower.

Also I found myself after I left in a similar Nazarene university that you attended when I left the Army. I remember in a Philosophy Class the professor asking us the question was it "sinful to pet or not to pet". The conclusion was, only from the neck up!

Three cheers to you Daryl, like I said I enjoy reading your posts even when our swords cross.

Anonymous said...

Dear Former C&B!

First of all, I really admire you for still pecking away on your keyboard even though you were in training when I was born! (Let me guess, an Ambassador or a Standard Bearer?!!)

Secondly, I don't really think our swords have crossed all that much! Your being two decades older than me in all probability accounts for any differences in our perspectives---especially when it comes to the M word or whatever messages we got from the born-again crowd about S-E-X (or anything else for that matter)while growing up!

And you are correct about the stir caused by Dr. Jocelyn Elders during the Clinton
Administration. Even though the subject was treated in a more enlightened way by the time of my adolescence (the 1960s) it still remained taboo as a subject open for public discussion (thanks to a pervading puritan element in American Hx and culture) and that's where she got into all of that trouble!

Btw, if I'm not mistaken I think I recently read something, somewhere that students at Bob Jones University in South Carolina still have to hold handkerchiefs and not hands if they're dating! Inter-racial dating is also still prohibited on supposedly scriptural grounds. (go figure!) Which adds proof to the old adage about people being able to mis-use and make scripture say just about anything they want it to say!

Daryl Lach
USA Central

Anonymous said...

Old Hornblower is very close to a big 8!